run_with_perseverance's Xanga

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 17:28:53 GMT

lessons learned and growing

Thu, 08 May 2008 03:33:51 GMT

I have finished my junior year of college. I am now officially a senior. I am in Champaign right now, and driving all the places that I use to go to in high school makes me really look back at the past and think about all the mistakes, all the laughs, all the dances, all the friends that I thought I would have forever. Things change. I guess they change everyday, but you don't realize how fast things have gone by until you say it out loud: "I am a senior in college." "Have I really just graduated college" (for all you grads). I kind of feel like I have graduated just because I have so many friends that have graduated this year. So many friends moving around the country getting jobs. Starting the real world. And...what makes me laugh inside...so many high school kids are about to graduate and they think that life is ending without their friends, and going off to college. They think that they are entering the real world now. I know...I've been there. News Flash!! Life has just begun all over again! You will find new friends (unless you go to school with all your high school friends). My advice...go to a college where your entire graduating class is NOT going! Anyway..........it's just weird to think that I have one more year before I am out on my own.

I have been thinking a lot about the past three years. The mistakes, the laughs, the new friends, the new places I have been, the things that I have seen, the things I wish I didn't see, the people I have been blessed with, the relationships that have formed and fallen apart. It has been a trip thus far. I will definately say that this has been a growing year. This has been maybe the best year (2007-spring 2008). This year has really put in place those people that I know will always be there. Ive learned a lot about friendships, relationships, who I want to be, who I am right now and how to get to who I want to be.

If I could describe myself in three words I would say: Ambitious—I really want to do some great things in my life. I want to travel. I want to do volunteer work over seas. I want to work over seas. I want to go places. I want to change lives the way mine has been changed. I would say that in the past things have just been words....empty words....but now that the future is closer and more apparent...they are things that I plan to follow through with. Second: Maturing—this is an on-going thing. But the way that I see things, my values, my perceptions have all changed. I think that I am more realistic about what relationships should be like (after dating, a relationship back in the fall, and seeing other relationships). I think that I am also more mature in what I want out of life. I definately still have fun going out with my friends, but compared to high school and freshman year...lets just say I am more responsible about the places I go and the people I hang out with. Third: Steadfast—maybe this one should be first on the list. I would say that I am steadfast in more ways than one. But mostly I would say this applies to my relationship with God. I have my fears and my moments but who doesnt? We're not perfect. I think that I really started believing in God's faithfulness last summer. I am not one to live out my faith so outwardly (I AM bold when I need to be). But I know that what choices I make God is right there...He gave me a free will, and if I choose something wrong...I know He doesnt just up and leave and give up on me. I think that is the most important thing that God has proven to me...HE has NEVER given up on me when others have.

I dont know where I am going, who I will become. But I know that my faith in Christ, in God is everlasting. I know that where I am right now is a good place. I know that whatever difficulties come my way or are here...they will pass...I will overcome them. I am living out today because today is what I have.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 18:15:52 GMT

I want to be a bird for a day

Fly in the open skies

Gentle whisper from a breeze

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 15:26:49 GMT

So much for keeping up with blogging

This was from one of my facebook notes in Feb. on Dwelling...
What I have found in the past month n' half was to stop dwelling on things in the past and dwelling on the "what ifs" of the future or decisions. I have found that dwelling in His presence is what gives someone peace. What I mean by dwelling in Him is not dwelling in the joys that He has given me or the blessings of each day, but to dwell in Him and His presence. I think so many people miss the simple, perfect fact of dwelling in GOD our Father and not the "things He has done for 'me'" God puts a lot on my plate daily that I do not even pay attention to. But that has been changing and I have found that when I am able to dwell on Him/in Him I am at such a greater peace.

Some rough things have happened the past two months. Wounds that I thought were healed are being reopened BY God so that He can heal them. Things that I would put off and not hurt about them because I thought that it would make me weak...God wants me to hurt about them and be healed through Him. He knows me...He's searched my heart. It is His timing that is perfect. It is His faithfulness that I can wait on Him.

How lovely is your dwelling place
Oh Lord God Almighty
My soul yearns; it even faints
For the courts of the Lord

As of right now...it's been hard to feel that peace of dwelling.

I am in the mist of silence and it isn't bad. While praying one night God whispered "silence" and I thought that meant for me to just take the day and be in silence. I have been so wrapped up in business with school and wanting to hang out with new people I have met, it almost seemed impossible for me to just shut everyone out, turn off the ipod and cell phone...but...what I realized was that I didn't need to be in silence. God was in silence. Does that make sense? no? Here's what I am realizing. God has glory in wrath and in grace. I have not been seeking Him out. I have not been thinking of Him first and finding more ways to be of the world than in it. ok....so...thinking about that night I was praying God didn't say TO BE silent...He just said "silence". Being selfish I put it to how it applies in my life and my will not God's.
God wants me to seek His heart again. He wants me to bow down to Him again and be in awe of Him alone. To again dwell on His presence only. As of right now...He will remain silent. His silence is definately not Him leaving me or giving up on me. But His silence is a way of pursuing me.

I think that if you are experiencing silence from God...don't give up. Pursue Him more. That's what He wants...How are we so selfish that we only think that He should pursue us? let him do all the work?

reasons why

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 20:00:58 GMT

so i sometimes wonder why God does certain things in one's life. there is a great saying in a movie (evan almighty) that God answers prayers in opportunity. meaning..."does he give you patience or courage? or does he give you an opportunity in which you can be patient or courageous?" i think this is a great way to look at how God answers our prayers because it also doesn't put God on a timer...He will answer your prayers in His time when He thinks you may be ready. and i think that more than 90% of the time we do not realize that God is answering our prayer until after we have gone through something amazing or a trial of difficulty.

so...this is what i get from my most recent experience. that experience being dating. i really questioned whether this was "the" relationship or if it was my heart over God's. praying to Him He only gave me one answer..."I am with you with whatever you choose to do...I have bigger plans for you." I think that this failed relationship gave me two things...one: confidence in God and who He is. two: re-open wounds that God needs to heal...

I have found that within the past couple months that I have been back from Springhill I have been able to trust and have confidence in the Lord in ways that i never have before. i realized that God could satisfy me more than the one i was in a relationship with. i realized that i relied more on God in a relationship then when i was not in one. yes, i messed up-but God didnt leave. He reassured me of His presence and what He wanted for and from me. The other thing was my own stubborness to believing that I was healed from past pain. I wasnt...and i think that when i finally let go and give it to God He will heal me...but I could not be healed while being in a relationship...some people can...but God wanted me to Himself for this process.

It's amazing how faith can grow and still amaze you. They say that being a Christian is boring...but daily I am finding out new things. I finally found out what it means to rejoice in a time when you are hurt. I didnt think i would ever get what that truely meant and how to experience that...cuz lets face it...when you arae sad or upset you are not going to be thanking God...but in just an hour n half i felt a glimpse of deep sorrow filled joy...sounds ridiculous but you know you want to know what it feels like. i pray that you do someday.

RETURNING

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 14:55:31 GMT

As the rain and the snow
       come down from heaven,
       and do not return to it
       without watering the earth
       and making it bud and flourish,
       so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
       so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
       It will not return to me empty,
       but will accomplish what I desire
       and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Isaiah 55:10-11

This passage to me says taht I am the Lords. That He is with me throughout everything and everytime. He fills my life with a purpose for His desire and for His glory. It returns to Him, not me.

     So. This has been a busy summer for me. I have been up north a little ways in Evart, Michigan working at SpringHill Camps. It was an amazing experience. Although, I did not expect it to be. I was really struggling the first two weeks. I had this mind set that I was the "camper" and not the "counselor" and so I expected to have these huge revelations. It was definately not like that at all. And God was quick to show me that I was being selfish and thinking it was more about me than the real reason I was there.
      I was there not to grow, but to help others grow. I was there to give my time to others; even if they were only 1-3 graders. I needed to trust God with my summer. When I finally let all of that go I was able to give God all of me during the summer. I didnt expect myself to grow, but weekly I would see how God was using the people/the children to help me grow.

      Overall, I realized that God does not have to do big things in my life to prove that He will not leave. I learned that staying steadfast for the Lord blesses your life more than any "rollercoaster relationship". I think that is how it is suppose to be. Not saying that I don't have my hard times. I certainly do. It is just a lot more healthier to have a realtionship with God that is more steady-then to always be looking for the big ups that follow downs and vise versa...


hopefully I will be able to keep more postings more regularily...

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 18:36:46 GMT

Genesis 1:27
So God created man in His own image,
in the image of God He created him;
male and female He created them.

I have realized some amazing things lately.

It first starts out with my trials. Like the song by Third Day "Mountain of God" I had to go through the valley before I could climb the Mountain. God took me through spiritual warfare. I was brought down low. I was crumbling. I thought about giving up. I thought about leaving. God left me to test my faith in Him. There was a lot of things thrown at me, but nothing that God knew I could not handle.

Now, God is blessing my life beyond belief. Which only means that there is more trials ahead. But right now, I bask in His glory. He has provided me with wisdom. He has opened my heart to new challenges.

I let a Christian group define me for a little bit. Not Christ. Surprise...Satan even told me that my relationship with God was fine. But...to his benefit I was not able to live life fully the way God wanted me to. God opened my eyes and showed me that Christ was in my life, but not of my life. My thoughts were..."I have to be part of a Christian group to be a good Christian. Other Christians have to see me living out my faith. I have to go on a mission trip to serve God." It was Honduras that showed me that I DO NOT HAVE to be part of a Christian group to serve Him. I just have to love Him. I jsut have to keep Him the center of what I do. THUS, I have been getting more involved with Outdoors Club and hanging out with a lot of the people in the club. I have been hanging out with my room mates more. I have gone less to the Christian group that I was involved in. DONT GET ME WRONG I completely believe that community is important. God has shown me that accountability and community is major to be a Christian. You can still have that without being engrossed/consumed by going to all the activities a group may put on. I still meet to be discipled, and I still hang out with my Christian friends. But I try to keep it less separate. less "this is my christian group and this is my other group" God tells us to LOVE EVERYONE.

I CAN SERVE GOD ANYWHERE ANY TIME. I do not have to go on a mission trip to serve God. I have had people tell me that they like hanging out with me or that I am a nice person. And I start to realize that these people are not talking about me. They are talking about Christ. Whatever they are attracted to in me...it is not me...it is Christ. It is such a good feeling to be able to serve God daily by living out my life in a Christ-like way. This is how Christ drew people in. He was good. He was laid back. He made good decisions. He offered himself. He helped others. He put others before Himself. I can serve God everyday in little ways.

Don't just stick with one group.
>Christ had 12 close friends, and then they went out to others<
So bare the image of Christ.
Serve Him by living your life out like Him.
Acknowledge that everything is Him
>His Glory<

Monday, March 26, 2007

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 02:43:28 GMT

load
burden

a load is something that a non Christian carries.
a burden is something that a Christian carries.

We are called to help carry each others burdens.

Pray together. Two is better than one.

If you TELL the mountains to move they will.
It does not say if you think them to move they will...
it says if you TELL them to move, they WILL.

Pray out loud. It is more powerful for your mouth to speak the name of the Lord than to just think it.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 12:49:03 GMT

Who am I that the Eyes that see my sin will look at me with love and watch me rise again?
Who am I that the Voice that calmed the sea would call out in the rain and calm the storm in me?
Not becuase of who I am but because of what You've done.
Not because of what I've done, but because of who You are.
I am a flower quickly fading;
here today and gone tomorrow.
A wave tossed in the ocean, a vapor in the wind.
Still You hear me when I'm calling.
LORD, You catch me when I'm falling.
And You have told me who I am...
I am YOURS.

At Bible Study last night we briefly talked about psalm 78. Two things that I was convicted of: impulsivity and testing the Lord.

37 their hearts were not loyal to him, >>how many times has my HEART not been loyal?!
they were not faithful to his covenant. >>how many times have I been disobedient?!

38 Yet he was merciful;
       he forgave their iniquities
       and did not destroy them.
       Time after time he restrained his anger       >>good thing I am not God...this is where I become
       and did not stir up his full wrath.                      impulsive to my human nature which leads back to 37.

I get so impulsive, and usually it results in me conforming to the world. I really hate it! I know that when I do do something impulsive it is not me...it is the sin [Romans 7:18]. This only leads to my second conviction...unable to "accept" God's forgiveness. I continually will ask that He forgive me. I pray and pray after His forgiveness. When will my mind....my heart wrap around the fact that I only have to ask once?! I remember reading in a devotional that by continually asking God for His forgiveness only hurts Him more because we doubt His love...we doubt what He had Jesus do on the cross. We doubt the resurecction; our ultimate healing. Thus, my conviction sunk in. Nonetheless, I have a great Bible Study and amazing sisters in Christ to lift me up. Thank you, Lord!

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 03:07:19 GMT

EPHESIANS 6:10-18

Ok, so God has been doing amazing things. All throughout November and December. At the beginning of October I prayed that God would bless my life with fellowship with Christian men. I also felt a heavy conviction on my heart to be more obedient. Thus, I got rid of two "relationships" that were bringing me down and causing hinderance<is that a word. Well, after that God was blessing me left and right. I got really close to my roommate Stephanie and God brought in some awesome Christian guys in our lives. They were really a fun to hang out with and they really showed us what a real guy should be like. Meaning, they were always complementing or gracious to us. They made time to hang out with us and they were just really serving. It was nice since we both didnt really have very many Christian men to base a real friendship or what a relationship could look like. It gave me personally so much clarity into what I want a guy to be like and what I want him to be in my life. It made me realize that I want God to be the center of the relationship and I want to be able to do goofy things and not worry about jsut watching a movie and making out. Well, I thought that there was a possible prospect in line. I thought God was finally going to bless me with a guy to experience what I wanted to. But I was wrong. It was good though that God had still proven to me to be so immediate. The night before I was to meet with him for coffee I prayed that there would be clarity and there was...just not in the favor I would have liked. But I was glad to have his friendship. Satan tried to tell me otherwise. I immediately got impulsive. Which I now know that satan will use against me in situations of extreme change or the feeling of abandonment or rejection (I think this only gets to me becuase of my story about my adoption and what happened-which I really need to get over that whole use of excuse). Ok, so I realize that I need to ask God the most to heal me and to provide me with comfort in those situations becuase.......I went out for new years and drank-nothing bad happened but i knew i shouldnt have been doing it. Then I get back and my friend and I just stopped talking and hanging out and he acted weird...i was really upset and really mad that God had let this happen. Why would He take back a blessing. Well, I took my anger out by going back on some of my words to God. Then I of course feel guilty and convicted and I realize that satan has lead me into my old habits and has got me close to where he wants me. I turn away.....

For the next couple days I am haunted that I could turn my back on God so quick. "He shouldnt forgive me this time" I would htink and satan would tell me so many lies....but the worst was the sunday before martin luther king day...I was in bed and praying to God...asking Him to comfort me and to forgive me...thats when I heard...literally heard...i mean I hear God SOMETIMES-when i am deeply in prayer or when I think He knows that I need to HEAR Him, and i knew satan could tell me lies but i never thought that i would hear him literally. It was SO scary...now we all think that satan has a voice like a smoker, right? its raspy and harsh and cold and mean....WRONG! let me warn you now! he can have a voice like an angel. he can have a voice like God!!! I didnt believe this for a LONG time...but that night i heard him. Satan was calling me his child NOT God's. he literally said "Katie, you are my child not God's" and I cried even harder!!! It was horrible...i didnt know what to do. i asked for God to speak up to shut him up....and i didnt hear anything. They rest of the week all i could feel was evil "beings" around me. Hovering me. It was spiritually exhausting!!!! I didnt know how to pray to God I didnt know what to say. I was so overwhelmed. I didnt know if God was even there for a little while. I never believed that there were actual demons on the earth and if you dont you better start believing it....they hovered me. seriously...it freaks me out now to think about it. it was the most aweful feeling ever....i cant even begin to describe it.

I am reading this book, "Waking the Dead" by John Eldridge. It is an AMAZING book. Talking all about the healing of God and spiritual warfare!! How perfect is that for me right now!? hahaha....anyway, it is amazing and I encourage you to read it.

My past two weeks have been going good. I have to constantly be praying that God silences satan but it has been helpful to read "Waking the Dead" praying on scripture and of course getting into His Word.

Thanks for listening/reading...I know it is long.
I will try to keep better updating.